First I have to say that I apologize for all of the typos and what not in my last post. I just read over it and thought...man this looks like poop! I will try to do better.
So, my nephew is just about the cutest baby boy in the entire world. Actually, he is he cutest baby boy in the entire world and I do not mind admitting my partiality. Let us revisit the amazing trip we took to Charleston last weekend...
For some time now, James has been talking about wanting to run the Cooper River Bridge Run in Charleston again. He ran it once in college and mentioned on several occasions that he would enjoy doing that again. So, last year some time he and his brother Charlie committed to running it together in 2011. While James does enjoy lifting weights, he is not so much a cardio boy, so he thought it would be a good way to encourage, and let's be honest, force him to get in 10K shape for April. We knew some time after they decided to run the race that Charlie and Jewel would be expecting the baby in March, so we have honestly been counting down the days for a long time! Our friends Val and Jayson decided to participate in the race as well so so the four of us made our way to Charleston! And let me just say, this was such a fun trip! I don't know what else to say about it. It was the perfect balance of things to do and relaxation (well, maybe a little less relaxation that I could have stood) and the time spent with everyone was just awesome. There were no dull moments and no lack of anxious volunteers to hold little Caleb.
Let's break down the baby thing for a minute. Okay, so the short version of the baby story is that when I was a kid, I always wanted kids. Then, I got a little older and didn't have much of an opinion one way or the other. Then I wanted kids again or at least liked the idea of having a family some day but it always seemed just that...some day...like a day very far from where I was at that moment.
So what happened next? I met James, fell in love, and got married. And let me say this about James...the man is a baby magnet. Kids of all varieties love him. It seriously doesn't matter what he says or does, the kiddos flock to him like cake. It is cute, but a little annoying because the kids always like him more than me! I feel silly saying that, but it is the truth. What I have learned more recently is that contrary to James' magnetic field, I fear children of all varieties. Sure they look all cute and cuddly, but they are just so small and fragile and dependent (in a good way of course). The knowledge that James and I are getting to a point where having babies isn't just "some day" that will be a long time from now is, well, frightening. All those "can I really be a mom" fears start talking in my head and it make me want to run away and hide sometimes. I really do want a family and I think James would be a great dad and I am sure I would be a good mom too. I think my biggest fear is knowing that our children could potentially be negatively affected by my shortcomings. No parent is perfect blah, blah, blah I know all of that, but it didn't make it any less scary to me, not until meeting Caleb.
I think Caleb may hold a special place in my heart for many reasons, but the most memorable will be the calm that I felt for the first time in my life when it comes to the idea of children. I was terrified of him at first, but seeing his sweet face and his little hands and feet, hearing him cry, and watching him sleep was pretty hard to resist. I finally found the nerve to hold him and after about 2 seconds of that I was convinced that I didn't want to give him back! I don't know if it is because he is family or if it was God's way of changing my heart, but I felt something inside me move that I did not know was there. What an amazing, precious gift God has given James and I to be Caleb's aunt and uncle. And that's just it, I'm only his aunt! I cannot imagine the joy that you feel when you hold your own child in your arms....it seems like everywhere I turn, my friends are either having babies or finding out for the first time that they will soon be parents, and I can sense the excitement that they feel. And I can for once say, I think I'm getting excited about maybe having a little family of my own in the near future, God willing. I can say that I want to be a mom...a loving, encouraging, God-fearing woman who would stop at nothing to do all that she could to be a great parent. And that is still a little scary to say, but I think the reward would far out-weigh the fear of failure. I can say that because I felt the way the world seemed to stop with Caleb in my arms. And I'll have James there every step of the way and there is NO doubt in my mind that he will be an incredible dad. So thank you little Caleb and thank you Lord for working on my heart by showing me that I can and will be the mother you intended me to be some day, maybe even some day soon.
