Marriage is a beautiful thing.
James and I danced for the first time as husband and wife to a beautiful song by Steven Curtis Chapman called "I will be here."
Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear,
I will be here.
If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand and have no fear,
‘Cause I will be here.
I will be here when you feel like being quiet;
When you need to speak your mind, I will listen.
And I will be here when the laughter turns to crying;
Through the winning, losing, and trying, we’ll be together,
‘Cause I will be here.
Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear,
I will be here.
As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I will be here.
I will be here, so you can cry on my shoulder;
When the mirror tells us we’re older,
I will hold you.
And I will be here to watch you grow in beauty,
And tell you all the things you are to me;
I will be here.
We'll be together and i will be here.
This song is perfect for us. It speaks volumes to us both and we could not have picked a better song to describe what we expect from one another over the years.
I absolutely love my husband and I cherish the moments we spend together. He is my best friend, my encourager, my comforter, my teacher, my strength, and my faithful partner. Yesterday marked one year since we were engaged and I still cannot believe it! It is so hard to imagine my life before James as he saturates every part of me now—in a wonderful, wonderful way. I have heard people say that they love someone so much it hurts; while I do not know that it is healthy, I can most certainly relate.
We have been married for a few short months, and at this point, the relationship is so new and so delicate in a way. It seems that every moment is special and I don’t want to forget anything. It must be very similar to bringing home an infant for the first time...that point when you realize that after God alone, you are in charge of everything good or bad that happens to that child…so you hold it closely, nurturing that baby every second in hopes of doing the best that you can. That is kind of how we have treated our marriage. This is it: we are husband and wife. We have chosen each other and are committed to having the best relationship that we possibly can. We want to hold each other closely and protect one another. Trusting in God as our foundation, we are accountable to one another, to love each other for the rest of our lives.
James and I are good at this part. We have no problems getting along nor do we doubt that we will have a strong and thriving marriage for years to come.
That being said, this week, I realized that we don’t have the perfect marriage because we are two imperfect people; we are two imperfect Christian people who love the Lord. As Christians, we must remain humble before God so that we don’t grow comfortable trying to control of our destiny. We must trust that he is in control and will guide us and protect us along the way. I learned this week that it is crucial to do this in a marriage as well.
Before I met James, I felt that I had my faith and my friends, but ultimately I had to rely on myself. I had a very hard time relinquishing control in relationships. I felt like I had to take care of myself because I could not always rely on someone else. As my faith has matured, I have learned to let go more and more. And when I met James, I started to understand what it was really like to be able to trust someone fully and count on them to be there for you, and to give you strength and encouragement.
Until this week, I really thought that James and I were “there.” I felt like I could trust him with my whole heart and know that when things did not go my way, he would be there to pick me up. And I don’t mean to suggest that James has given me any reason to distrust him…that is far from true. What I realized this week is that I still have the capacity to turn to my old self and run…on my own…because I felt alone.
The truth is that I am alone a great deal of the time. The wonderful home that we have made becomes so empty at times because I am forced to enjoy it by myself. Sometimes I do not think James “gets it” because he wakes up in the morning, goes to work a part time job, goes to the gym, eats lunch, relaxes for an hour or two, and heads to work. He comes home every night to a warm place where I am anxiously awaiting his arrival. You see, he isn’t alone at night because he has me.
James and I don’t talk often about his schedule or our lack of face time because it is a non-point. Because of his schedule, he has the opportunity to work many extra jobs…the extra income is a big help as my job provides very little income for our family. We are both working so hard to build our savings and put the extra money to good use around the house and otherwise. It really isn’t feasible based on our monthly expenses for him to switch schedules at this point in time. We are not “living above our means,” but we would like to be in the best financial situation possible so that we can start a family in the future. I know, I know…from a financial perspective, there is never a good time to have kids…I get it. But, there is such a thing as meeting realistic goals and being as prepared as possible before we take the next step and that is the situation for which we are ultimately preparing. The point is, for now, James will continue to work evening shift.
James will work evening watch and I will continue to come home every night to an empty house. So why did I feel so overcome with loneliness this week? I thought it is a combination of hormones and stress…the two sources I initially blamed until in a rage of tears I stumbled upon the real truth: I love my husband so much and long to be with him so that I feel such sadness inside when he isn’t here with me. I find myself becoming so jealous of all those who get to see their spouses every night…they get to eat together, then go to Wal-Mart together for light bulbs, and then relax together on the couch watching the Grammy’s. But I don’t really get to be jealous. I am so fortunate that God blessed me with such passion and such a strong desire for my husband…and I am so lucky to have met him. Beyond that, I know that there are so many people out there who have to overcome much greater distances…I am forever thankful for the husbands and wives that serve our country and leave their families for months and years at a time…again, I don’t have the right to be jealous.
So while I started last week with confidence thinking that I had it all figured out…what I found out is that we must remain vulnerable in our marriages. We must not try to hide or to protect ourselves by keeping our hurts inside, even if James cannot “fix” the problem. I need to talk openly about the source of the problem, rather than expecting him to repair all of visible damage…like this week when I got so upset with him I didn’t feel he was as concerned as I wanted him to be when I had a rotten day at work. He does hate that my job situation is pretty terrible right now and he did his best to be supportive and listen to all of my complaining…what he offered was not enough at the time because I was more upset that we were “wasting” our precious time together on my personal issues at work rather than relishing the time together. I hate that. I hate to not making the most of every afternoon that we have…but what I hate even more, is that so many days I come home stressed and unhappy with my job with no one to talk to…he isn’t here. And when we gets home, I have already put my stress and frustration aside and for another day, I hold those feelings inside rather than getting to share them with the person who loves me more than anything.
So many times, I expect James to just know what I am dealing with…but the truth is he does not know unless I tell him. He may not ask the right questions, or I may skim over the surface because I think I can handle it on my own without his support…and I usually do a pretty good job of covering up the root problem with excuses (remember the hormones and stress?) so that he doesn’t have to listen to me go on and on about things that cannot change like his work schedule. But even I reach a breaking point—I proved that this week. And while that breaking point wasn’t pretty, it made me vulnerable and it made me realize that I have to talk for the sake of a healthy marriage. I have to open up and share things with him…not because he can always make it better, but because he loves me and cannot properly support me if he has no idea why I am hurting or that I am hurting at all. Profound, I know…but for someone like me, being able to expose that raw emotion is difficult.
God blessed my life when I met James. And God will continue to bless our life together…I just have to let him. And part of letting him is keeping my guard down and trusting that James is my ever-loving husband for a reason…built with the capacity to be all that I need him to be for now and for always.
And so I will say it agian...marriage is a beautiful thing.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Out of the Grey
A long time ago, one of my English teachers told me that you can’t write anything worth reading without defending a specific point of view. As a young writer, it was often difficult for me to “choose a side.” I clearly remember having to write a persuasive essay in the eighth grade and it was one of the most challenging pieces of work that I ever produced. I could not seem to successfully persuade anyone to do anything because I was too busy trying to decide what to tell them to do!
As a youngster, I was far too concerned with pleasing everyone around me. I scarcely knew how I felt because I was always getting lost in a sea of opinions coming from people with much stronger personalities. This I can now attribute mostly to my parents and my home-life. I grew accustomed to constant discouragement over the years and it affected me well into my young adult life, not only as a student, but as a person.
When I left home and moved to Macon to attend college, I realized that all those years in my parents’ home had not extinguished my personality completely. I was finally comfortable enough to come to terms with the fact that I had my own, often strong, opinion about almost everything in life. I was no longer a person struggling in the grey; it was black or white or nothing at all. I slowly uncovered a person who could stand on her own two feet, saying what she thought whether people agreed or disagreed. I became a person with a very strong personality. I was wildly passionate about every aspect of life, from controversial political issues to what I was going to eat for breakfast.
Upon graduating from college and moving back home, it was only a matter of time before the sleeping volcano known as my relationship with my parents was about to erupt. My arrival was met with a whirlwind of rules and expectations that had become totally foreign to me. I no longer knew how to be their daughter. I had forgotten how to wear the mask that hid and defined the person that I was for so many years. In no time at all, I had almost completely moved out of their house. Of course, they were disappointed. They felt like I had lost myself through the college years; much to the contrary, I found myself…and that is something that I am most grateful for even today.
That is the very condensed version of my life up to this point. It gives a bit of insight to the childhood that I overcame and the strength that I found to be the real me…
When I sat down to write this afternoon, I was originally planning to blog about my thoughts on the following phrase: “We have friends for a season, friends for a reason, and friends for a lifetime.” I started writing about how clique that phrase seems to me and all of the sudden, I found myself back in the eighth grade. I couldn’t figure out how I felt…Did I really disagree with statement? Did I totally agree? Somehow, I found the grey area once again and that doesn’t happen very often.
So what does it mean to me? A friend for a season is a person that I knew for a short period of time. I probably called them my friend, but then the relationship ceased to be for one silly reason or another. This person, in hindsight, was an acquaintance. I more than likely shared one or more common interest with this person, but as our face time grew more infrequent, our relationship proved to be less and less important.
I am torn by the next part of the phrase…a friend for a reason. I feel that when we establish a real friendship with another person, even if it doesn’t last forever, that person cannot possibly be an acquaintance. I have had friendships with people that did not last a lifetime, but that I value still to this day. These are friendships that were based on more than shared likes, but over time, we simply grew separately. We became different people who no longer looked to each other for advice and encouragement. I can tell you by name, friends that I have had in my life that I would call “friends for a reason.” And yet, I find myself completely turned off by the kind of relationship this term seems to suggest. It sounds self-serving and convenient, but beyond the surface, it is far more than that. Time, in this case, is not the constant that defines the value of the friendship. Rather, the constant is the quality of the time shared. My relationship with these people was not simply defined by common interest; rather, we were bound by the personal connection that we shared at that particular point in time. When you have a friend for a reason, it is just that…something that happens for a reason. It may not be the best friend that you will know for the rest of your life, but it is a person who perhaps profoundly changes your life because of how they influence you, and the knowledge that you gain by befriending them.
What is a friend for a lifetime? This is pretty easy, right? No matter how much time passes or the distance that separates the two of you, your hearts are always connected. This is a person that you can go without seeing or talking to for what seems like an eternity, and yet when you do spend time with them, you pick up where you left off. This person knows you and loves you for all that you are…for the good in your heart and in spite of your less appealing qualities. This relationship does not require constant communication. You can go days, weeks, months, and sometimes longer without talking and you know in your heart, they are just as much your friend as they always have been. You know that this person is always going to be a part of your life in some capacity and you trust them immensely. This relationship has survived the test to of time and will continue to do so for years to come. This is the kind of friend that we all desire to have…this is also the kind of friend that I desire to be.
We do indeed have friends in life that play very differentiated roles, despite how shallow some of those relationships may seem. Not all of our friends are going to around for a lifetime and it would be unwise of me to expect anything more. What I have learned by examining the caliber of my friendships is that I have to evaluate them on a sliding scale. I cannot expect to have the same kind of relationship with each one of my friends…I cannot expect all of them to value our relationship in a lifelong friend kind of way because they simply aren’t that kind of friend. So many times in my life, I have been let down in relationships because I felt that the other person failed to be the kind of friend that I had been to them. I foolishly did my best to be everyone’s “lifelong friend.” What I know now, is that I cannot be everyone’s best friend, just like not everyone can be my best friend...and that is okay.
What I can also say without a doubt is that I am the person I am today because I have had and continue to have all three kinds of “friendships.” Friends for a season have filled by life with many laughs and provided a constant source of entertainment. These friends have spent time with me, doing things that we love…and not much else. These are people I spend time with when I want conversation to be easy and light in nature. Friends for a reason have helped me through some difficult times in my life. They were there to listen and to share their own experiences from which I drew strength and built confidence in myself. They supported me without judgment, though I was unsure of myself. I needed time and space to explore different ways of life and they joined me on different legs of my adventure. Friends for a lifetime are few are far between, yet held in the highest regard. These are the people that I have trusted from day one of our relationship, not only to be there for me during a specific phase of my life, but for always. No matter what, these people have met my needs and fulfilled me without me having to ask them to do so. Their confidence in me and subtle, yet powerful, support strengthened my faith in myself and most importantly, in God. They are going to be around for the long-haul of this crazy life because they don’t know how not to be.
And so, after all of my thoughts are collected, it seems pretty black and white all over again. My friends for life will never change, my friends for a reason will serve an important purpose, and my friends for a season will come and go… I have chosen my side and I say all of these things with complete confidence.
As a youngster, I was far too concerned with pleasing everyone around me. I scarcely knew how I felt because I was always getting lost in a sea of opinions coming from people with much stronger personalities. This I can now attribute mostly to my parents and my home-life. I grew accustomed to constant discouragement over the years and it affected me well into my young adult life, not only as a student, but as a person.
When I left home and moved to Macon to attend college, I realized that all those years in my parents’ home had not extinguished my personality completely. I was finally comfortable enough to come to terms with the fact that I had my own, often strong, opinion about almost everything in life. I was no longer a person struggling in the grey; it was black or white or nothing at all. I slowly uncovered a person who could stand on her own two feet, saying what she thought whether people agreed or disagreed. I became a person with a very strong personality. I was wildly passionate about every aspect of life, from controversial political issues to what I was going to eat for breakfast.
Upon graduating from college and moving back home, it was only a matter of time before the sleeping volcano known as my relationship with my parents was about to erupt. My arrival was met with a whirlwind of rules and expectations that had become totally foreign to me. I no longer knew how to be their daughter. I had forgotten how to wear the mask that hid and defined the person that I was for so many years. In no time at all, I had almost completely moved out of their house. Of course, they were disappointed. They felt like I had lost myself through the college years; much to the contrary, I found myself…and that is something that I am most grateful for even today.
That is the very condensed version of my life up to this point. It gives a bit of insight to the childhood that I overcame and the strength that I found to be the real me…
When I sat down to write this afternoon, I was originally planning to blog about my thoughts on the following phrase: “We have friends for a season, friends for a reason, and friends for a lifetime.” I started writing about how clique that phrase seems to me and all of the sudden, I found myself back in the eighth grade. I couldn’t figure out how I felt…Did I really disagree with statement? Did I totally agree? Somehow, I found the grey area once again and that doesn’t happen very often.
So what does it mean to me? A friend for a season is a person that I knew for a short period of time. I probably called them my friend, but then the relationship ceased to be for one silly reason or another. This person, in hindsight, was an acquaintance. I more than likely shared one or more common interest with this person, but as our face time grew more infrequent, our relationship proved to be less and less important.
I am torn by the next part of the phrase…a friend for a reason. I feel that when we establish a real friendship with another person, even if it doesn’t last forever, that person cannot possibly be an acquaintance. I have had friendships with people that did not last a lifetime, but that I value still to this day. These are friendships that were based on more than shared likes, but over time, we simply grew separately. We became different people who no longer looked to each other for advice and encouragement. I can tell you by name, friends that I have had in my life that I would call “friends for a reason.” And yet, I find myself completely turned off by the kind of relationship this term seems to suggest. It sounds self-serving and convenient, but beyond the surface, it is far more than that. Time, in this case, is not the constant that defines the value of the friendship. Rather, the constant is the quality of the time shared. My relationship with these people was not simply defined by common interest; rather, we were bound by the personal connection that we shared at that particular point in time. When you have a friend for a reason, it is just that…something that happens for a reason. It may not be the best friend that you will know for the rest of your life, but it is a person who perhaps profoundly changes your life because of how they influence you, and the knowledge that you gain by befriending them.
What is a friend for a lifetime? This is pretty easy, right? No matter how much time passes or the distance that separates the two of you, your hearts are always connected. This is a person that you can go without seeing or talking to for what seems like an eternity, and yet when you do spend time with them, you pick up where you left off. This person knows you and loves you for all that you are…for the good in your heart and in spite of your less appealing qualities. This relationship does not require constant communication. You can go days, weeks, months, and sometimes longer without talking and you know in your heart, they are just as much your friend as they always have been. You know that this person is always going to be a part of your life in some capacity and you trust them immensely. This relationship has survived the test to of time and will continue to do so for years to come. This is the kind of friend that we all desire to have…this is also the kind of friend that I desire to be.
We do indeed have friends in life that play very differentiated roles, despite how shallow some of those relationships may seem. Not all of our friends are going to around for a lifetime and it would be unwise of me to expect anything more. What I have learned by examining the caliber of my friendships is that I have to evaluate them on a sliding scale. I cannot expect to have the same kind of relationship with each one of my friends…I cannot expect all of them to value our relationship in a lifelong friend kind of way because they simply aren’t that kind of friend. So many times in my life, I have been let down in relationships because I felt that the other person failed to be the kind of friend that I had been to them. I foolishly did my best to be everyone’s “lifelong friend.” What I know now, is that I cannot be everyone’s best friend, just like not everyone can be my best friend...and that is okay.
What I can also say without a doubt is that I am the person I am today because I have had and continue to have all three kinds of “friendships.” Friends for a season have filled by life with many laughs and provided a constant source of entertainment. These friends have spent time with me, doing things that we love…and not much else. These are people I spend time with when I want conversation to be easy and light in nature. Friends for a reason have helped me through some difficult times in my life. They were there to listen and to share their own experiences from which I drew strength and built confidence in myself. They supported me without judgment, though I was unsure of myself. I needed time and space to explore different ways of life and they joined me on different legs of my adventure. Friends for a lifetime are few are far between, yet held in the highest regard. These are the people that I have trusted from day one of our relationship, not only to be there for me during a specific phase of my life, but for always. No matter what, these people have met my needs and fulfilled me without me having to ask them to do so. Their confidence in me and subtle, yet powerful, support strengthened my faith in myself and most importantly, in God. They are going to be around for the long-haul of this crazy life because they don’t know how not to be.
And so, after all of my thoughts are collected, it seems pretty black and white all over again. My friends for life will never change, my friends for a reason will serve an important purpose, and my friends for a season will come and go… I have chosen my side and I say all of these things with complete confidence.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
RESOLUTION...SMESOLUTION
I find myself wondering why people throw so much effort into making resolutions at the dawn of a new year. Everyone wants to shed pounds, tone up, and get healthy…but why now? Yes, it is the beginning of a new year. Yes, “the holidays” are officially over. Yes, it is approximately 5 to 6 months before bathing suit season begins. But why make the decision to completely alter our unhealthy lifestyles from one day to the next? I personally feel that we put a tremendous amount of pressure on ourselves to become this person that we in many ways, do not even know. This of course does not always have something to do with health...people have all kinds of convictions…a desire to be thankful and appreciative, learning to serve and give back, becoming a person who listens intently, someone who focuses on purity…we all make adjustments, be them internal or external. I am writing about resolutions as they relate to body image because most can identify with this type of goal.
December 31st is the end of time marked by laziness and stuffing our faces with comfort foods. We seem to embrace our degenerated existence with an apathetic approach to health in general, at least for the time being. We tell ourselves that we deserve this “treat” because we are home with our family and friends…I mean after all, it is the season of joy and a time to make merry. Then, the new year rolls around. January 1st is characterized by working out, counting points, and the desire to make oftentimes radical changes…it seems our enthusiasm is boundless.
Herein we find the question…and perhaps the root of the problem: Are we really putting our best foot forward by setting our personal goals and expectations far above the place where we currently tread? Are we ever really resolving to do anything differently than we did in years past if we keep hoping for the same seemingly unattainable results? Are we ultimately responsible for falling short of our body-image goals because we have too much confidence and inadequate resources?
I have learned through experience that most people, me included, give up entirely on their resolution in a matter of weeks. The fact is that our plans for great success at the beginning of a new year are almost always thwarted by the unplanned highs and lows that we face on a day to day basis. We are so excited to begin a new journey…maybe this will be the year! But then it gets difficult to stay motivated. So many obstacles in our paths: getting out of our routine due to work, illness, long weekends, special occasions, our time of the month…and the list goes on and on. We can probably think of a million excuses to take a few days off at the gym and eat all we want for a night or two. These excuses become the poison that kills us! We all know how quickly that mindset can destroy all of the progress that we have made on our race to the “new me in the new year” finish line.
One week of gaining back a pound leads to another week of “fat days” and before you know it, you hate yourself all over again. You feel like you cannot possibly take pride in yourself if you can’t even get it together enough to stay motivated for a few months, never mind a lifetime. So, you stop watching your diet as closely…your trips to the gym become more infrequent. This cycle is perpetual.
So…what is the big deal? Why not make resolutions that you hope to keep? One argument may be that if you do not at least try to “do better” in 2010, you will fall further behind…that may be true, but in my experience that is unlikely. I am no expert… (I am being totally honest when I say I would really like to lose a good deal of weight by eating healthier foods and exercises regularly)…but, I think I have learned what does not work.
Someone like me will be unsuccessful if I set the bar ridiculously high just because it’s January. Instead, we should make better use our time in the new year. We should reflect on our successes and failures in order to decipher goals that will benefit us for a lifetime…goals that will stretch us and mold us into the women (and men) that we yearn to be. My hope is that we would all regularly evaluate our progress and reassess our goals throughout the year, rather than focusing all of our energy on one day of the year.
My resolution for 2010 is to rethink resolutions altogether…
December 31st is the end of time marked by laziness and stuffing our faces with comfort foods. We seem to embrace our degenerated existence with an apathetic approach to health in general, at least for the time being. We tell ourselves that we deserve this “treat” because we are home with our family and friends…I mean after all, it is the season of joy and a time to make merry. Then, the new year rolls around. January 1st is characterized by working out, counting points, and the desire to make oftentimes radical changes…it seems our enthusiasm is boundless.
Herein we find the question…and perhaps the root of the problem: Are we really putting our best foot forward by setting our personal goals and expectations far above the place where we currently tread? Are we ever really resolving to do anything differently than we did in years past if we keep hoping for the same seemingly unattainable results? Are we ultimately responsible for falling short of our body-image goals because we have too much confidence and inadequate resources?
I have learned through experience that most people, me included, give up entirely on their resolution in a matter of weeks. The fact is that our plans for great success at the beginning of a new year are almost always thwarted by the unplanned highs and lows that we face on a day to day basis. We are so excited to begin a new journey…maybe this will be the year! But then it gets difficult to stay motivated. So many obstacles in our paths: getting out of our routine due to work, illness, long weekends, special occasions, our time of the month…and the list goes on and on. We can probably think of a million excuses to take a few days off at the gym and eat all we want for a night or two. These excuses become the poison that kills us! We all know how quickly that mindset can destroy all of the progress that we have made on our race to the “new me in the new year” finish line.
One week of gaining back a pound leads to another week of “fat days” and before you know it, you hate yourself all over again. You feel like you cannot possibly take pride in yourself if you can’t even get it together enough to stay motivated for a few months, never mind a lifetime. So, you stop watching your diet as closely…your trips to the gym become more infrequent. This cycle is perpetual.
So…what is the big deal? Why not make resolutions that you hope to keep? One argument may be that if you do not at least try to “do better” in 2010, you will fall further behind…that may be true, but in my experience that is unlikely. I am no expert… (I am being totally honest when I say I would really like to lose a good deal of weight by eating healthier foods and exercises regularly)…but, I think I have learned what does not work.
Someone like me will be unsuccessful if I set the bar ridiculously high just because it’s January. Instead, we should make better use our time in the new year. We should reflect on our successes and failures in order to decipher goals that will benefit us for a lifetime…goals that will stretch us and mold us into the women (and men) that we yearn to be. My hope is that we would all regularly evaluate our progress and reassess our goals throughout the year, rather than focusing all of our energy on one day of the year.
My resolution for 2010 is to rethink resolutions altogether…
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Home Alone
Yes, this is my second official post of the day, but I don't think that the first one really counts. If it does count that is okay too.
I hate, absolutely hate, being home alone at night. James, my husband, works evenings and he usually isn't home until 11:30 PM or later. I am thankful that he isn't out all night (at least not most of the time) working, but sitting in this big house until almost midnight 6 out of every 9 nine days leaves much to desired. It's not a lack of things to keep me busy, creepy neighbors, or even fearing that Winder is a dangerous town...I don't know what it is really, but something makes the wheels turn in my brain when I am here all alone.
I have a couple of theories...
When I was in college, I lived alone for a year. Prior to that time, I was never a huge fan of being alone, but that is the decision I made and I figured it would be "fine." It was fine...until one night when I was working on a paper at 2 AM. I was sitting at my desk in my room and I saw a figure outside my window. I remember squatting down on the floor to look up through the blinds (without having to actually touch them) and I saw a man standing there, attempting to peek into my room. I cannot describe the way I felt in that moment. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't even move really. I looked back up and he was gone so I stood on my bed to look out of the other window in my room, which was much higher up, only to see the man trying to break into my back door. Again, terror is the only word to describe how I felt. I dropped to the bed and pulled the blankets over my head praying to God that he didn't get into my apartment. Even writing about it today makes my heart stop for a second or two. While I didn't really make a great decision in that moment...hello, calling the police would have been smart...God was there to protect me. The man left when he couldn't get in after a couple of tries and he never came back.
After that night, things have been very different. It happened over 6 years ago, and yet I start to think about it and all over again, I relive those terrifying moments. Certain times have been better than others of course. When James and I lived in an apartment complex in Duluth, I had a very difficult time. It was not the best place to live and James was the courtesy officer, so we knew more about what happened on a day to day basis than most. The final straw occurred when a man who lived in the complex was beaten and left for dead in the parking lot outside of his apartment. Apparently the suspects took his car...also hitting him repeatedly with a baseball bat before taking off with his vehicle. At that point, I told James and we HAD to move. I was scared all of the time. I would practically run from our apartment door to my car in the morning when I would leave for work. I refused to go in and out to run errands...I wouldn't even leave in the middle of the day to go to the grocery store unless James was with me. It was like I was a prisoner in that apartment and it was time to leave.
I thought when we moved from Duluth to Winder that my fears would go away, and they did, temporarily at least. The last day of school last year, I arrived home around 9 PM. At the time, I noticed a man walking across the side of my front lawn near the tree line. I didn't think much of it at the time because I figured it was our neighbor picking up after his kids. I checked the mail in the dark, came inside, and started unpacking my things from the day. I had only been in the house maybe 2 or 3 minutes when I heard the ATT ringtone very clearly. Keep in mind, I was home alone. James keeps his phone set on that ringtone, so when I heard it, my initial thought was to go to see if he left his phone at home that day. On my way to check, I realized that I had spoken with him several times since he left for work, so in fact, it could not have been his phone. In that moment, that same terrible fear found me once again. I grabbed the gun off of his nightstand, my purse from the kitchen, and ran out of the house. I jumped my car and left in a matter of seconds. Again, I didn't know how to feel. My heart raced as I drove out of the driveway...I had to think in order to breathe and I started crying. I really thought that someone was in our house. I called James who insisted that I call the police. I told him that I didn't want to do that...I felt there must be some logical explanation and I did not want to waste the officer's time. Sure enough, when James came home, he cleared our house which was in perfect order.
I felt like such an idiot...but did I really imagine hearing a ringtone? It was so crystal clear. I didn't even question what I heard; I just instantly assumed it was my husband's phone. I tried to push those thoughts out of my mind. A week later, our neighbor and friend from across the street told James and I that he saw a guy looking in our windows and he was concerned. They had been out of town for a week, so this was his first chance to share the information with us. He said he saw the guy when he was outside and he got a bad vibe from him. Our neighbor actually went inside to get his own gun and when he returned, he didn't see the guy at our house. He said about an hour later, he saw the guy again, coming from the back side of our house. While I was glad I wasn't "crazy" this news didn't settle any fear that I had.
Not once, but twice in my life I have been home alone while some perpetrator is lurking outside of my home. How is this possible? I mean, call it bad luck, but I just feel like my chances aren't looking so good here.
So that brings me to where I am. I cannot change James's schedule. It is what it is and I need to learn to deal with being along and not being afraid. Everyone tells me to pray and think positively and that's all fine and good, but in the moments when I am home and hear a "strange noise" I do not feel protected or comforted for that matter. And when James is home, I am at ease. Not that if something bad happened, he could do much to protect either of us (I mean I hope so, but we can't be positive). For whatever reason, his presence is calming. I feel like I can relax and breathe deeply when he's home. Maybe it is because if something happened, we would face it together?
Talking about all of this isn't easy and it doesn't really solve anything, but I am hoping that as time goes on, I can find peace and inner strength that will get me through all of this time alone. Pray more, think positively, watch happy shows on TV, and patiently wait for my hubby to arrive...
I hate, absolutely hate, being home alone at night. James, my husband, works evenings and he usually isn't home until 11:30 PM or later. I am thankful that he isn't out all night (at least not most of the time) working, but sitting in this big house until almost midnight 6 out of every 9 nine days leaves much to desired. It's not a lack of things to keep me busy, creepy neighbors, or even fearing that Winder is a dangerous town...I don't know what it is really, but something makes the wheels turn in my brain when I am here all alone.
I have a couple of theories...
When I was in college, I lived alone for a year. Prior to that time, I was never a huge fan of being alone, but that is the decision I made and I figured it would be "fine." It was fine...until one night when I was working on a paper at 2 AM. I was sitting at my desk in my room and I saw a figure outside my window. I remember squatting down on the floor to look up through the blinds (without having to actually touch them) and I saw a man standing there, attempting to peek into my room. I cannot describe the way I felt in that moment. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't even move really. I looked back up and he was gone so I stood on my bed to look out of the other window in my room, which was much higher up, only to see the man trying to break into my back door. Again, terror is the only word to describe how I felt. I dropped to the bed and pulled the blankets over my head praying to God that he didn't get into my apartment. Even writing about it today makes my heart stop for a second or two. While I didn't really make a great decision in that moment...hello, calling the police would have been smart...God was there to protect me. The man left when he couldn't get in after a couple of tries and he never came back.
After that night, things have been very different. It happened over 6 years ago, and yet I start to think about it and all over again, I relive those terrifying moments. Certain times have been better than others of course. When James and I lived in an apartment complex in Duluth, I had a very difficult time. It was not the best place to live and James was the courtesy officer, so we knew more about what happened on a day to day basis than most. The final straw occurred when a man who lived in the complex was beaten and left for dead in the parking lot outside of his apartment. Apparently the suspects took his car...also hitting him repeatedly with a baseball bat before taking off with his vehicle. At that point, I told James and we HAD to move. I was scared all of the time. I would practically run from our apartment door to my car in the morning when I would leave for work. I refused to go in and out to run errands...I wouldn't even leave in the middle of the day to go to the grocery store unless James was with me. It was like I was a prisoner in that apartment and it was time to leave.
I thought when we moved from Duluth to Winder that my fears would go away, and they did, temporarily at least. The last day of school last year, I arrived home around 9 PM. At the time, I noticed a man walking across the side of my front lawn near the tree line. I didn't think much of it at the time because I figured it was our neighbor picking up after his kids. I checked the mail in the dark, came inside, and started unpacking my things from the day. I had only been in the house maybe 2 or 3 minutes when I heard the ATT ringtone very clearly. Keep in mind, I was home alone. James keeps his phone set on that ringtone, so when I heard it, my initial thought was to go to see if he left his phone at home that day. On my way to check, I realized that I had spoken with him several times since he left for work, so in fact, it could not have been his phone. In that moment, that same terrible fear found me once again. I grabbed the gun off of his nightstand, my purse from the kitchen, and ran out of the house. I jumped my car and left in a matter of seconds. Again, I didn't know how to feel. My heart raced as I drove out of the driveway...I had to think in order to breathe and I started crying. I really thought that someone was in our house. I called James who insisted that I call the police. I told him that I didn't want to do that...I felt there must be some logical explanation and I did not want to waste the officer's time. Sure enough, when James came home, he cleared our house which was in perfect order.
I felt like such an idiot...but did I really imagine hearing a ringtone? It was so crystal clear. I didn't even question what I heard; I just instantly assumed it was my husband's phone. I tried to push those thoughts out of my mind. A week later, our neighbor and friend from across the street told James and I that he saw a guy looking in our windows and he was concerned. They had been out of town for a week, so this was his first chance to share the information with us. He said he saw the guy when he was outside and he got a bad vibe from him. Our neighbor actually went inside to get his own gun and when he returned, he didn't see the guy at our house. He said about an hour later, he saw the guy again, coming from the back side of our house. While I was glad I wasn't "crazy" this news didn't settle any fear that I had.
Not once, but twice in my life I have been home alone while some perpetrator is lurking outside of my home. How is this possible? I mean, call it bad luck, but I just feel like my chances aren't looking so good here.
So that brings me to where I am. I cannot change James's schedule. It is what it is and I need to learn to deal with being along and not being afraid. Everyone tells me to pray and think positively and that's all fine and good, but in the moments when I am home and hear a "strange noise" I do not feel protected or comforted for that matter. And when James is home, I am at ease. Not that if something bad happened, he could do much to protect either of us (I mean I hope so, but we can't be positive). For whatever reason, his presence is calming. I feel like I can relax and breathe deeply when he's home. Maybe it is because if something happened, we would face it together?
Talking about all of this isn't easy and it doesn't really solve anything, but I am hoping that as time goes on, I can find peace and inner strength that will get me through all of this time alone. Pray more, think positively, watch happy shows on TV, and patiently wait for my hubby to arrive...
Feeling Inspired
Well…I guess I am jumping on a band-wagon at the very least and I like it.
Recently, several of my friends started their own blogs and I found reading them quite interesting. Not that they have something incredibly important to discuss, but I think that is the point. It is an outlet of expression...a release of sorts. You can say things that people may or may not care to hear without really "saying" anything at all. Reading a person's blog gives you a different kind of insight. You learn things that may never come up in a conversation over coffee.
I like the idea of having a blog. It means that I can write about anything as little or as often as I please. Like others, in a way I fear that creating a blog will be a waste of time--mostly because I may not post regularly. I genuinely hope to surprise myself and post things often. I think it's a great way to document my life right down to all of the little things. So often I am overwhelmed with a stream of different emotions and as time passes by, I forget or overlook those times altogether. I really do not want to forget anymore. I want to look back and remember all of those amazing, fun moments. I hope I am able to appreciate things that happened that seemed bad at the time. My ultimate goal is to make time stand still in those moments.
Just for the record, creating a blog and posting regularly is not my resolution. I do not really make resolutions. This is simply something that interests me and that I want to try for a while…we shall see what happens!
Recently, several of my friends started their own blogs and I found reading them quite interesting. Not that they have something incredibly important to discuss, but I think that is the point. It is an outlet of expression...a release of sorts. You can say things that people may or may not care to hear without really "saying" anything at all. Reading a person's blog gives you a different kind of insight. You learn things that may never come up in a conversation over coffee.
I like the idea of having a blog. It means that I can write about anything as little or as often as I please. Like others, in a way I fear that creating a blog will be a waste of time--mostly because I may not post regularly. I genuinely hope to surprise myself and post things often. I think it's a great way to document my life right down to all of the little things. So often I am overwhelmed with a stream of different emotions and as time passes by, I forget or overlook those times altogether. I really do not want to forget anymore. I want to look back and remember all of those amazing, fun moments. I hope I am able to appreciate things that happened that seemed bad at the time. My ultimate goal is to make time stand still in those moments.
Just for the record, creating a blog and posting regularly is not my resolution. I do not really make resolutions. This is simply something that interests me and that I want to try for a while…we shall see what happens!
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