I will be here

Marriage is a beautiful thing.

James and I danced for the first time as husband and wife to a beautiful song by Steven Curtis Chapman called "I will be here."

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear,
I will be here.

If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand and have no fear,
‘Cause I will be here.

I will be here when you feel like being quiet;
When you need to speak your mind, I will listen.
And I will be here when the laughter turns to crying;
Through the winning, losing, and trying, we’ll be together,
‘Cause I will be here.

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear,
I will be here.
As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I will be here.

I will be here, so you can cry on my shoulder;
When the mirror tells us we’re older,
I will hold you.
And I will be here to watch you grow in beauty,
And tell you all the things you are to me;
I will be here.

We'll be together and i will be here.

This song is perfect for us. It speaks volumes to us both and we could not have picked a better song to describe what we expect from one another over the years.

I absolutely love my husband and I cherish the moments we spend together. He is my best friend, my encourager, my comforter, my teacher, my strength, and my faithful partner. Yesterday marked one year since we were engaged and I still cannot believe it! It is so hard to imagine my life before James as he saturates every part of me now—in a wonderful, wonderful way. I have heard people say that they love someone so much it hurts; while I do not know that it is healthy, I can most certainly relate.

We have been married for a few short months, and at this point, the relationship is so new and so delicate in a way. It seems that every moment is special and I don’t want to forget anything. It must be very similar to bringing home an infant for the first time...that point when you realize that after God alone, you are in charge of everything good or bad that happens to that child…so you hold it closely, nurturing that baby every second in hopes of doing the best that you can. That is kind of how we have treated our marriage. This is it: we are husband and wife. We have chosen each other and are committed to having the best relationship that we possibly can. We want to hold each other closely and protect one another. Trusting in God as our foundation, we are accountable to one another, to love each other for the rest of our lives.

James and I are good at this part. We have no problems getting along nor do we doubt that we will have a strong and thriving marriage for years to come.

That being said, this week, I realized that we don’t have the perfect marriage because we are two imperfect people; we are two imperfect Christian people who love the Lord. As Christians, we must remain humble before God so that we don’t grow comfortable trying to control of our destiny. We must trust that he is in control and will guide us and protect us along the way. I learned this week that it is crucial to do this in a marriage as well.

Before I met James, I felt that I had my faith and my friends, but ultimately I had to rely on myself. I had a very hard time relinquishing control in relationships. I felt like I had to take care of myself because I could not always rely on someone else. As my faith has matured, I have learned to let go more and more. And when I met James, I started to understand what it was really like to be able to trust someone fully and count on them to be there for you, and to give you strength and encouragement.

Until this week, I really thought that James and I were “there.” I felt like I could trust him with my whole heart and know that when things did not go my way, he would be there to pick me up. And I don’t mean to suggest that James has given me any reason to distrust him…that is far from true. What I realized this week is that I still have the capacity to turn to my old self and run…on my own…because I felt alone.

The truth is that I am alone a great deal of the time. The wonderful home that we have made becomes so empty at times because I am forced to enjoy it by myself. Sometimes I do not think James “gets it” because he wakes up in the morning, goes to work a part time job, goes to the gym, eats lunch, relaxes for an hour or two, and heads to work. He comes home every night to a warm place where I am anxiously awaiting his arrival. You see, he isn’t alone at night because he has me.

James and I don’t talk often about his schedule or our lack of face time because it is a non-point. Because of his schedule, he has the opportunity to work many extra jobs…the extra income is a big help as my job provides very little income for our family. We are both working so hard to build our savings and put the extra money to good use around the house and otherwise. It really isn’t feasible based on our monthly expenses for him to switch schedules at this point in time. We are not “living above our means,” but we would like to be in the best financial situation possible so that we can start a family in the future. I know, I know…from a financial perspective, there is never a good time to have kids…I get it. But, there is such a thing as meeting realistic goals and being as prepared as possible before we take the next step and that is the situation for which we are ultimately preparing. The point is, for now, James will continue to work evening shift.

James will work evening watch and I will continue to come home every night to an empty house. So why did I feel so overcome with loneliness this week? I thought it is a combination of hormones and stress…the two sources I initially blamed until in a rage of tears I stumbled upon the real truth: I love my husband so much and long to be with him so that I feel such sadness inside when he isn’t here with me. I find myself becoming so jealous of all those who get to see their spouses every night…they get to eat together, then go to Wal-Mart together for light bulbs, and then relax together on the couch watching the Grammy’s. But I don’t really get to be jealous. I am so fortunate that God blessed me with such passion and such a strong desire for my husband…and I am so lucky to have met him. Beyond that, I know that there are so many people out there who have to overcome much greater distances…I am forever thankful for the husbands and wives that serve our country and leave their families for months and years at a time…again, I don’t have the right to be jealous.

So while I started last week with confidence thinking that I had it all figured out…what I found out is that we must remain vulnerable in our marriages. We must not try to hide or to protect ourselves by keeping our hurts inside, even if James cannot “fix” the problem. I need to talk openly about the source of the problem, rather than expecting him to repair all of visible damage…like this week when I got so upset with him I didn’t feel he was as concerned as I wanted him to be when I had a rotten day at work. He does hate that my job situation is pretty terrible right now and he did his best to be supportive and listen to all of my complaining…what he offered was not enough at the time because I was more upset that we were “wasting” our precious time together on my personal issues at work rather than relishing the time together. I hate that. I hate to not making the most of every afternoon that we have…but what I hate even more, is that so many days I come home stressed and unhappy with my job with no one to talk to…he isn’t here. And when we gets home, I have already put my stress and frustration aside and for another day, I hold those feelings inside rather than getting to share them with the person who loves me more than anything.

So many times, I expect James to just know what I am dealing with…but the truth is he does not know unless I tell him. He may not ask the right questions, or I may skim over the surface because I think I can handle it on my own without his support…and I usually do a pretty good job of covering up the root problem with excuses (remember the hormones and stress?) so that he doesn’t have to listen to me go on and on about things that cannot change like his work schedule. But even I reach a breaking point—I proved that this week. And while that breaking point wasn’t pretty, it made me vulnerable and it made me realize that I have to talk for the sake of a healthy marriage. I have to open up and share things with him…not because he can always make it better, but because he loves me and cannot properly support me if he has no idea why I am hurting or that I am hurting at all. Profound, I know…but for someone like me, being able to expose that raw emotion is difficult.

God blessed my life when I met James. And God will continue to bless our life together…I just have to let him. And part of letting him is keeping my guard down and trusting that James is my ever-loving husband for a reason…built with the capacity to be all that I need him to be for now and for always.

And so I will say it agian...marriage is a beautiful thing.