Out of the Grey

A long time ago, one of my English teachers told me that you can’t write anything worth reading without defending a specific point of view. As a young writer, it was often difficult for me to “choose a side.” I clearly remember having to write a persuasive essay in the eighth grade and it was one of the most challenging pieces of work that I ever produced. I could not seem to successfully persuade anyone to do anything because I was too busy trying to decide what to tell them to do!

As a youngster, I was far too concerned with pleasing everyone around me. I scarcely knew how I felt because I was always getting lost in a sea of opinions coming from people with much stronger personalities. This I can now attribute mostly to my parents and my home-life. I grew accustomed to constant discouragement over the years and it affected me well into my young adult life, not only as a student, but as a person.

When I left home and moved to Macon to attend college, I realized that all those years in my parents’ home had not extinguished my personality completely. I was finally comfortable enough to come to terms with the fact that I had my own, often strong, opinion about almost everything in life. I was no longer a person struggling in the grey; it was black or white or nothing at all. I slowly uncovered a person who could stand on her own two feet, saying what she thought whether people agreed or disagreed. I became a person with a very strong personality. I was wildly passionate about every aspect of life, from controversial political issues to what I was going to eat for breakfast.

Upon graduating from college and moving back home, it was only a matter of time before the sleeping volcano known as my relationship with my parents was about to erupt. My arrival was met with a whirlwind of rules and expectations that had become totally foreign to me. I no longer knew how to be their daughter. I had forgotten how to wear the mask that hid and defined the person that I was for so many years. In no time at all, I had almost completely moved out of their house. Of course, they were disappointed. They felt like I had lost myself through the college years; much to the contrary, I found myself…and that is something that I am most grateful for even today.

That is the very condensed version of my life up to this point. It gives a bit of insight to the childhood that I overcame and the strength that I found to be the real me…
When I sat down to write this afternoon, I was originally planning to blog about my thoughts on the following phrase: “We have friends for a season, friends for a reason, and friends for a lifetime.” I started writing about how clique that phrase seems to me and all of the sudden, I found myself back in the eighth grade. I couldn’t figure out how I felt…Did I really disagree with statement? Did I totally agree? Somehow, I found the grey area once again and that doesn’t happen very often.

So what does it mean to me? A friend for a season is a person that I knew for a short period of time. I probably called them my friend, but then the relationship ceased to be for one silly reason or another. This person, in hindsight, was an acquaintance. I more than likely shared one or more common interest with this person, but as our face time grew more infrequent, our relationship proved to be less and less important.

I am torn by the next part of the phrase…a friend for a reason. I feel that when we establish a real friendship with another person, even if it doesn’t last forever, that person cannot possibly be an acquaintance. I have had friendships with people that did not last a lifetime, but that I value still to this day. These are friendships that were based on more than shared likes, but over time, we simply grew separately. We became different people who no longer looked to each other for advice and encouragement. I can tell you by name, friends that I have had in my life that I would call “friends for a reason.” And yet, I find myself completely turned off by the kind of relationship this term seems to suggest. It sounds self-serving and convenient, but beyond the surface, it is far more than that. Time, in this case, is not the constant that defines the value of the friendship. Rather, the constant is the quality of the time shared. My relationship with these people was not simply defined by common interest; rather, we were bound by the personal connection that we shared at that particular point in time. When you have a friend for a reason, it is just that…something that happens for a reason. It may not be the best friend that you will know for the rest of your life, but it is a person who perhaps profoundly changes your life because of how they influence you, and the knowledge that you gain by befriending them.

What is a friend for a lifetime? This is pretty easy, right? No matter how much time passes or the distance that separates the two of you, your hearts are always connected. This is a person that you can go without seeing or talking to for what seems like an eternity, and yet when you do spend time with them, you pick up where you left off. This person knows you and loves you for all that you are…for the good in your heart and in spite of your less appealing qualities. This relationship does not require constant communication. You can go days, weeks, months, and sometimes longer without talking and you know in your heart, they are just as much your friend as they always have been. You know that this person is always going to be a part of your life in some capacity and you trust them immensely. This relationship has survived the test to of time and will continue to do so for years to come. This is the kind of friend that we all desire to have…this is also the kind of friend that I desire to be.

We do indeed have friends in life that play very differentiated roles, despite how shallow some of those relationships may seem. Not all of our friends are going to around for a lifetime and it would be unwise of me to expect anything more. What I have learned by examining the caliber of my friendships is that I have to evaluate them on a sliding scale. I cannot expect to have the same kind of relationship with each one of my friends…I cannot expect all of them to value our relationship in a lifelong friend kind of way because they simply aren’t that kind of friend. So many times in my life, I have been let down in relationships because I felt that the other person failed to be the kind of friend that I had been to them. I foolishly did my best to be everyone’s “lifelong friend.” What I know now, is that I cannot be everyone’s best friend, just like not everyone can be my best friend...and that is okay.

What I can also say without a doubt is that I am the person I am today because I have had and continue to have all three kinds of “friendships.” Friends for a season have filled by life with many laughs and provided a constant source of entertainment. These friends have spent time with me, doing things that we love…and not much else. These are people I spend time with when I want conversation to be easy and light in nature. Friends for a reason have helped me through some difficult times in my life. They were there to listen and to share their own experiences from which I drew strength and built confidence in myself. They supported me without judgment, though I was unsure of myself. I needed time and space to explore different ways of life and they joined me on different legs of my adventure. Friends for a lifetime are few are far between, yet held in the highest regard. These are the people that I have trusted from day one of our relationship, not only to be there for me during a specific phase of my life, but for always. No matter what, these people have met my needs and fulfilled me without me having to ask them to do so. Their confidence in me and subtle, yet powerful, support strengthened my faith in myself and most importantly, in God. They are going to be around for the long-haul of this crazy life because they don’t know how not to be.

And so, after all of my thoughts are collected, it seems pretty black and white all over again. My friends for life will never change, my friends for a reason will serve an important purpose, and my friends for a season will come and go… I have chosen my side and I say all of these things with complete confidence.